A New Season
This blog is coming to you as an update on my life currently, as well as things I have learned and am continuing to learn.
The plan since about February has been for me to move to the
Wingate area, teach full time and participate in ministry on Wingate’s campus. So
on August 17, with no job and no place to live, I left home with as much stuff
packed into the back of my Jeep as possible. I stayed the weekend with a good
friend in Wadesboro, NC. On Sunday,
August 19 I took a duffel bag full of stuff to Wingate University to stay with
my friend Erika for the next two weeks. The following Monday (the 20th)
I had two interviews at elementary schools in Union County. The rest of that week
consisted of me checking the job listings multiple times a day, praying for a
job offer, and riding around Wingate looking for a place to live. On Thursday,
August 23, at about 3:00 in the afternoon I was offered a job as an EC Resource
teacher at an elementary school in Waxhaw, NC, about 30 minutes from Wingate.
I began my new job on Monday, August 27 which also happened
to be the first day of school. The principal showed me to my classroom, which I
share with another Resource teacher who will also be my mentor. A little about
my job: as an EC teacher (Exceptional Children), I work with students with
disabilities. As a resource teacher, I pull students out of the regular
classroom for remediation in reading, writing, or math. I work with students in
grades 3-5. Some students I’ll see every day for 90 minutes, others I see only
30 minutes twice a week. Unfortunately, since I was just hired the Thursday
before school started, I had NO time to go work in my classroom and prepare for
the school year, so needless to say the first week was overwhelming. I cried
every day. When I wasn’t at school I was dreading going back. I kept thinking, “This
was a mistake. Why did I want to do this? What can I do to get out of it? I
wish I was still in college. I want to go back home to my mommy.” Thankfully, I’ve
heard from other teachers that their first year was the same way. I mean the
crying every day part and the thinking, “I don’t ever want to go back.” It’s
good to know I’m not alone, but that hasn’t made it any easier.
This past weekend, mom came to visit and we spent all day on
Saturday looking for a place to live. We found one, the only drawback is that
it’s in Matthews, NC (right on the outskirts of Charlotte) which means about a
40 minute drive to Wingate University. Unfortunately, the housing options in
Wingate and even Monroe are slim. Although I’ve been driving around the area
and looking online for two weeks, I could not find many places for rent. The
places I did find for rent that were within my price range as a beginning
teacher were in areas I would not feel safe living in as a single young woman.
Some friends who know about my struggle have shared this
verse with me:
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)During this time in my life, it has been easy for me to wonder, “What about me? Have you forgotten about me, God?” I admit I’ve been frustrated. I thought that when I moved down here, things would easily fall into place, and that hasn’t been the case, causing some disillusionment. I had an ideal in my head of what my life would look like, and when that didn't match up with reality, I was unhappy. Why couldn’t I find a job sooner? Why couldn’t I find a place to live closer to Wingate? I knew that God would provide for me, but He has provided in different ways than I expected.
My real problem is not my job, it’s not being further away
from my family than I have been the past 4 years, and it’s not even having no
place to live. My problems are (1) my adversary the devil and (2) my
flesh/sinful nature. They tell me lies all day long. “You can never be happy
here. You would be happy if you just had [blank].”
The “good” I’m promised is not a perfect job, a great place
to live (or a place to live period) or even fruitful ministry. Any of those
things are certainly good gifts from God, but when I let those things govern my joy,
it is idolatry. The “good” he has promised me is in Jesus alone. It’s my
salvation, which I already have, and my sanctification which I am currently
undergoing and will continue to do so. Nothing can ever take that away. Through
it all, I continue to see God’s sovereignty. He is here and he has been here all
along. His character never changes because of my circumstances. I believe that
my time in South Africa helped strengthen my faith and prepare me for this
difficult season in my life.
Kari Jobe’s song “Find You On My Knees” says it wonderfully:
Troubles chasin’ me again, breaking down my best
defense I’m looking, God, I’m looking for you
Weary just won’t let me rest, and fear is filling up my head
I’m longing, God, I’m longing for you
But I will find You in the place I’m in, find You when I’m at my end
Find You when there’s nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness
You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I find You on my knees
So what if sorrow shakes my faith?
And what if heartache still remains?
I’ll trust You, my God, I’ll trust You
‘Cause You are faithful and I will
Find You in the place I’m in, find You when I’m at my end
Find You when there’s nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness
You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I find You on my knees
When the hope is gone, when the fear is strong
When the pain is real, when it’s hard to heal
When my faith is shaken, and my heart is broken
And my joy is stolen, God I know that
You lift me up, You never leave me thirsty
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” (James 1:2-3)
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